rockstar online

by The Ramones

she came from a happy home
a very happy home
a very happy home

miss personality,
a grade ‘A’ student naturally
she had it all worked out

but things aren’t what they seem
is this real or just a dream
and things will never ever be the same again

she came from a happy home
a very happy home
a home of happiness

miss personality, a grade ‘A’ student naturally
she had it all in place
but things aren’t what they seem
is this real or just a dream
things will never ever be the same again

the dangers, its the dangers of love
the dangers, its the dangers of love

she came from a happy home
a very happy home
a very happy scene

she caught him with another
it turns out it was her mother
what a tragedy
can things be what they seem
is this just some crazy dream
things may never ever be the same again

the dangers, its the dangers of love
the dangers, its the dangers of love

keep telling li_ie_ies, but you did
you know you did
its coming,.its coming,.its coming

the dangers, its the dangers of love
the dangers, its the dangers of love

what went wrong she couldn’t tell
but we know it all too well

the dangers, its the dangers of love
the dangers, its the dangers of love

There once was this princess known as little miss sunshine, who wanted nothing more but to find the truth.  And so she goes on her quest and meets different people whom she thought could help her with her journey.  They gave her the same lines and anecdotes and she readily believed their words. Why wouldn’t she? What good reason is there to not trust a knight in shinning white armor?  And when all the puzzle pieces seemed to fall into place, all the half truths in the world has corrupted the one truth she was in search for.  LIttle miss sunshine went back to her palace satisfied that there was nothing more to be unravelled.  Little did she know that sometimes, when you trust people, truth doesn’t always follow. Sometimes a knight would want to protect you from the heartaches he knowingly caused by omitting a big chunk of the story, mold events in crafty little lies and half truths all the while burying his hidden secret shame, the fact that in chess - white always makes the first move.

Disclaimer: Funny how some events just fall onto your lap…btw this defintely isnt about me

One of the reason you get to work longer hours than what is absolutely necessary is because you get to do your actual work after all the urgent-not-so-urgent-important-not-so-impotant meetings are done. I swear if you had to sit through another round of 11 hour meeting, you will develop a new symptom unheard of in the medical community and your head will just burst. Not that you don’t get excited once in awhile. Cause despite the constant mouth offs, you do enjoy sitting through a meeting especially when you guys talk about numbers and figures that matters. When you discussed national programs and tactics you do get a sense that “hey this is cool, you are officially a grown up part of the working force” When after all the discussion, the lines and dots are finally making a semblance of a shape, it does get an awful lot of exciting.

But 11 freakin’ hours?!?!! Seriously?!??!

   "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them."

                             —A DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC—

- - - -

180 degree turn around, is apparently possible. Once labelled as the angsty bitter half of a non-relation, you have suddenly found yourself to be the author of your very own fairy tale. And yes, you using the word ‘fairy tale’ is indeed the aftermath of the 180 degree turn around. Not as drastic as say Marilyn Manson suddenly deciding to do Country but equally inconceivable.

——.——

So it’s possible. To finally meet someone and realized that no matter how crappy your day has gone by, there’s a pot of gold at the end of your black and white rainbow. Someone who will wait for you, hours on end, just to see you for a few minutes.

—–.——

You often wonder how a person can have that capacity to love. To love someone so much that they are willing to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. To bite one’s tongue despite the overwhelming urge to do so and instead try listening first.

——-.——-

To love someone so much that they are consumed with thoughts of you. To want to make something of yourself not just for yourself but to be prepared for whatever direction the wheel takes the both of you.

——.——

You never thought it possible. To be that girl. That annoyingly happy giggly girl, who gets excited when she receives a text and gets her voice to raise an octave higher when she gets a call. You never imagined.

——–.——

To love someone so much that he will wllingly give up the last piece of california maki, who would get his hands messy just so you can have shrimps and crabs at your plate.

——–.——–

You never thought that you could love someone so much that you’d want nothing more but to hug them until it gets hard to breathe with your eyes shut so tight all the while thanking god for looking at the insignificant speck that you are from up above the heavens and thinking that you, with all your flaws, deserve someone like them in your life.

——-

  —–

    —

You never thought that to be possible. Until Now.

Your heart always goes out to that guy in the movies.  That guy, the one who comes into the 2nd half of the picture after the unknowing lead character gets deserted by the lead guy.  He comes in all nice and charming and eventually, lead actress gets swept off her feet.  It doesn’t hurt that THE GUY is really such an eye candy.  But we all know where this is going to end.  Lead guy comes back.  Shed his crocodile tears.  There will be a few scenes of hesitation but cut to the next scene and poor ‘ol THE GUY gets left behind in the alter.  Cue the sappy song.

It’s funny, you were this cynic who cringes at the site of couples holding hands.  You and your best friend in fact used to make fun of couples walking pass by your usual spot during afternoons in Palanca.  You thought that love was overrated and that things have a way of falling apart sooner or later.

Blame it on years of watching real life couples hook up, break up, make up, break up and make up again or never hooking up at all…You always held your head high and preached to no one in particular that you will never succumb to that phase.  All the while, almost falling for someone who just wasn’t right.  And realizing he really wasn’t right but nonetheless thinking for months on end that maybe, just maybe he was the one. And maybe all the drama, all the hurt and all his shortcomings could have been drowned by that one single fact, that he could have been the one… 

And so you hoped.  And you think things will change.

And you lie to your friends.  And you lie to yourself. You put on your mask. You pretend you’re ok.  And you hoped some more.

And then one day you wake up.

You start to see..The could-have-been’s, they are called that precisely because they are that.  If you stop romanticizing all the drama, the excitement, the uphill and downhill of emotions you’ve had experienced, you will come into the realization that, that could-have-been, well, he was actually a jerk, or she demanded too much out of you, or he wasn’t ready to commit, she wanted her way all the time, or he was just using you to get over someone else, she was stringing him along and so many more reasons that made the whole affair an excruciatingly exciting ordeal.

But you don’t see that at the beginning.  And you think, this has to be love or something equally intense as that, why else would you feel this overwhelming sense of loss. (although you would never allow yourself to admit that to anyone, much less to him)  Months after, you still hold on to that notion that he/she was the one! And your mind begins to rationalized what happened…If only the timing was right, if only no words were left unspoken, if only she was more like her, if only you didn’t have that fight, if only you had taken back those words, if only you’d call, …if only, if only. 

Your mind is suddenly plague with all these illusions of grandeur.  Of all the wonderful possibilities based on the if-only’s.

And you hoped.  And you wonder.  And you hang on.

And then one day you are ok. You don’t know how that happens but it just does.

Take it from someone who swore off from dating after the crash and burn run-in with a could-have-been…things get sooooo much better when you meet that person, the one who’ll make you want to start seeing sappy movies.  The one who will not make you doubt yourself.  Who will not make you latch on to false hopes.  The one who will go through any lengths not to see you hurt. You see, when you finally meet that person, you realized, it doesn’t have to be that complicated, that dramatic.  That there is beauty in its simplicity.   That you could be happy just sitting side by side eating god knows what. That there’s someone out there willing to do just about anything to see you smile and to go about his life making sure that that smile gets a teeny weeny bit wider each day.

And yes, you are now a reformed cynic, much to the amusement of your friends.

VERDICT IS IN!! Read the writing on the wall! My eyes have been feeling the light of heaven as of late.  This is because my ever trusty ticker tape has suddenly decided to turn from its previously vampiric desires to the abundant green that it is now…Sigh my two months of heartache over actual paper loss scenario has been replaced by nothing but pure GREED ecstasy.

I’m like a loony toon with dollar signs on my eyes…CHING CHING!!

P.S. I hope the universe doesn’t strike the fear of a hundrerd earthquakes back in my heart.

One of my favorite lines ever from Grey’s Anatomy, "We’re adults, when did that happen? AND how do we make it stop?" - I have previously posted such line (see august 2006 archive) and i haven’t stumbled into the answers a year later.

Sometimes, you wonder, if you were accidentally raised with a silver spoon and that you now expect the world to bend at your will.  IF that were the case things would have been much simpler. Because it could only mean one thing…you’ve realized you’ve developed a lazy bone and now you have, one recourse, to change.  But it’s more complex than that.  The more you go about analyzing every whimsical detail of your life, you realize that nothing was ever handed to you on a golden platter. You’ve worked hard for those that you have accomplished so far.  And yet you don’t feel entirely euphoric over these things.  You have somehow landed a very glossy on paper job.  And it has everything that you wanted.  The thing though is, sometimes what you wanted, when you get it, becomes something different altogether.  And it makes you wonder if you have been on track from the very beginning? What if you were supposed to take a different path but have chosen to make a left somewhere down the road and now it’s a little late to make the pre-requisite U-turn?

You read before that ‘at the end of adolescence and the onset of midlife, most people do not change at all in the developmental stage’  You couldn’t disagree more.  You dont know one single soul in their twenties that does not search into their lives (no matter how shallow some reflections turn out) and get out of it thinking, it’s just a little overwhelming.  To live up to the social construction of what your twenties are supposed to be like.

These thoughts never used to enter your shallow mind.  Not since you realized that maybe you can have it all, maybe you had it all or maybe you can lose it all.  How then do you manage expectations? To go from this ideal child one minute to an adult with pragmatic dreams the next?  If you were ten years younger, what would your young self say about you? It’s so difficult to marry all the dreams we used to hold on to, to what we now know is possible. 

You miss Sunday mornings.  Watching late night talk shows.  Marathon conversations over afternoon coffee during weekdays.  Reading novels all night long.  You miss not knowing the full extent of the words BILLS, CUTOFFS, EVALUATIONS, MEETINGS, GRIEF, CANCER,… 

Don’t get things wrong though.  You are happy.  More so than you’ve been in years.  You wonder if it’s due in part to an addition in your life….  You have little reason to complain…You’re just left wondering some days…of the could have beens, of the days gone by, of the years ahead, of everything else that makes your twenties that much more extraordinary.  Somedays, you feel that you are no better than a child…

So here’s one thing about me that i kinda figured out a long time ago, but has really been magnified of late because of work..

I can get affected easily.  I have to keep on reminding myself that "it’s not always about you" but just the same my oh-so praning self keeps playing scenario after scenario of the worst possible thing over the tinssiest sign that something could go wrong.  Sometimes these signs are just those that i wanted to see, assumed based on the flimsiest of evidences.  But i’ll go on hours nonetheless bugging my ever trusty workmates about it. Dissecting one detail after the other as if the universe’ very existence depends on it.  I get annoyed later on, at myself, when i realized i have blown way over the top something that doesn’t really matter, or it does but not to the extent i have exhalted it at.

My friend from work, joj, said "dont cry over spilled milk". The problem sometimes is that even if that pesky milk has never been spilled i would assume so and move forward on that premise…It’s a really sucky feeling, but then again how do you go about changing 25 years of self training? When clearly you have mastered all that needs not mastering from this one art. Sigh..

Dont say we aren’t right for each other, the way i see it is.. we aren’t right for anyone else

A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same.

                                  Fried Green Tomatoes

I wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to have

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

                           - When Harry Met Sally -

You can’t express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them

                                    - When Harry Met Sally -

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it

City of Angels

Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that at some time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you’re the only one for me

–Runaway Bride

Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever.. and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

- Meet Joe Black

If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just…
passes you by…

-My Best friend’s Wedding

I have a very low EQ when it comes to shopping.  Even as i say my daily prayer of "you cannot shop today, you cannot shop today" the urge is just too strong to overcome.  Yes i should be ashame of myself.  I’m a full grown 25 year old woman in the corporate world with a job that demands not just a show of strength but the will power not to succumb to any pressure.  And i pretty much can pull this one act off, (unless of course my boss has suddenly got the wiffed that im nothing but a conniving fraud that wants nothing more but a worry-free petics life!!) That said, it must be told, that as soon as i stepped onto the oh-so-inviting walls of the shopping mall, i turn into a complete mush, a weakling with zero self control.

Right now im all about Bottega Veneta and Gucci handbags.  And even as i type the words i can’t even begin to think as to which bank i shall rob to satisfy my current obsessions.  So for now, until i can come up with a plan that doesnt involve me spending time behind bars i shall be content in posing pictures about the beauty that is Bottega Veneta and Gucci.

Bottega Veneta is known world wide as the go-to for woven leather.  If tote is your thing, BV’s Intrecciato Accordion Tote is a definite must-have! It’s a little over $2700 (HEART ATTACK!!) But it’s stunning in cream leather shade with brass hardware and adjustable handles on each side..Drool-worthy indeed! 

My Gucci love affair started years ago.  Too bad for me that I could not afford to sustain such affair.  I’m still going gaga over the Gucci belt bag.  Albeit as i have told my best friend (that lucky girl who finally got her piece a few months back!) my brain’s having a hard time reconciling shelling out almost $ 400 for a belt bag.  I first saw THE belt bag on Carrie of SATC.  It’s very handy, classic and it can even be worn like a messenger bag.  San ka pa?! :P